INTRODUCTION:
Children and adults recover from the divorce experience in different ways. The recovery process for the adult is dominated by the process of "moving on," often without necessary reflection about what went wrong, leading many to make the same mistakes again, as shown by the increased rate of divorce in second marriages. The recovery process for the child is dominated by a recurrent "revisiting" of issues and a need to discuss the past. For a child to let go of the past is to forgo a critical building block of their future.
LINEAR vs. SPIRAL PATH:
In many cases the adult process is a linear progression from denial to anger to depression and then resolution, while the child's recovery follows more of a spiral path. At every new developmental stage the explanations that parents gave them in the past are re-examined--what disagreements precipitated the divorce, who tried harder to make things better, why there was so little money for support, etc. The answers to all the "Who, What, Why" questions, while they may have been satisfactory when they were first offered, are likely to be questioned as the child's cognitive skills and experience increase.
SERIAL EXPLANATIONS:
The following is an illustration of how a child may be able to accomodate a more sophisticated explanation of an event which took place years before as he matures:
4 YEAR OLD: In a family in which the father left because there were increasing disagreements about religious values and arguments over money, the answer to the four-year-old child's question "Why did Daddy leave?" might have been limited to: "Daddy and I have been fighting all the time and we make each other very unhappy. We think it's best for all of us that we live apart."
11 YEAR OLD: However, this is insufficient for the same eleven-year-old when he asks the question again. He can handle a more personal explanation such as: "Daddy and I were unhappy, like I've told you, but yes there was more to it. We could never agree on how much to save for the future, or what we should spend for our everyday activities. I thought that Daddy wasted too much money and I was always concerned about your education or our retirement."
16 YEAR OLD: Similarly, at sixteen, when he is struggling with his own relationships, a more inclusive explanation is needed: "You know that Daddy and I didn't see eye-to-eye about many things, especially money and religion. When we were first married neither was an issue. But what really drove us apart was that our marriage got caught in the conflict between my family's beliefs and values and those of his family."
DETAIL vs. DEPTH:
Children frequently challenge their parents to discuss the past in greater depth in order that they can continue their process of putting their parents' divorce in perspective. It is not just the addition of detail they are seeking, but the willingness of their parents to provide in depth, honest responses to their questions. The younger child often views an extra-marital affair simply in terms of rules being broken, and one parent getting "punished". Little explanation is required. But later on, simple statements about affairs will not suffice (though parents are often reluctant to discuss aspects of the divorce they thought had been adequately explained). Adolescents know there is more to infidelity than breaking the rules, and they want the respect and attention from their parents to be able to talk more openly about the divorce.
RECURRING ISSUES:
It is inevitable that as your children mature they will think about the following ideas in the context of the divorce. Some are more skilled than others at bringing their new insights to your attention, but do not make the mistake of believing that these issues have been put to rest in previous conversations.
Loyalty -- what it means to love both parents if they hate or have hurt each other
Fidelity -- how to trust another's promises
Commitment -- whether to risk the hurt they have seen their parents suffer
Honesty -- whether anyone is truly honest when it comes to relationships
Trust -- whether sooner or later everyone will let them down
Love -- what that word means and how it feels
Guilt -- the sense of responsibility for things that go wrong around them
Effective Communication -- insuring that people understand the intention and motivation behind the words
Fault -- what are the limits of their influence on events
Right & Wrong -- morals in a world of changing morality
Compassion -- how to feel empathy without bringing back childhood memories of pain
Tolerance -- what it means to forgive people who have hurt you
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