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INTRODUCTION:
In the 1990's almost fifteen million children, many under the age of eight, were told their parents were getting a divorce (U.S. Census 1998, National Children's Survey 1994). As developmental pediatricians we have seen many children, and their parents, who have successfully coped with this crisis and who frequently say that they have been helped by the unheralded support of teachers and schools. Educators have the advantage of being in constant touch with families and of understanding the developmental needs of young children. Acting as role models, teachers often help parents understand how children's behavior and play gives clues to the struggles within, and hence shape the strategies adults adopt to help their children thrive.

Because divorce is so prevalent, teachers are all too familiar with the varied behaviors which children exhibit in reaction to divorce. Every day in every classroom teachers use art projects, writing or telling stories, and reflecting back to the child their observations of his/her behavior in order to help the child cope with the sadness and loss that are part of divorce. With older children the teacher is often the only adult helping the child make connections between "how I feel" and "how I act" by wondering whether it was "tough to say good-bye to Dad" or by recognizing the anxiety which precedes an infrequent visit from Mom (Lewis & Sammons 1999).

As behavioral pediatricians we find that teacher observations are key to helping us determine what family situations are contributing to aggression, depression, or other marked changes in a child's actions. Ongoing hostility between the parents, an inappropriate handover routine, a "visitation schedule" where visits are too short to be enjoyable or one in which the child is being used as a messenger, can all contribute to the behavioral changes seen in the classroom. (Lewis & Sammons 1999). Teachers often provide the insights to help determine whether the child who seems to be coping well (or actually improves in terms of classroom participation, compliance with the rules and overall organization), is successfully adapting or belongs to the worrisome group of children who, despite their apparent resilience, are often the most stressed and likely to show the worst outcome years later unless appropriate steps are taken.

SUPPORTING THE CHILD:
Since divorcing parents are often emotionally distracted, fatigued, and not functioning well as parents, teachers and early childhood specialists are frequently called upon to fill this parenting gap. Parents may not appreciate it at the time, in fact they may even feel competition, but in looking back they see great value in the ways teachers maintain a supportive role by:

--Maintaining Consistency and Discipline
When divorce alters the child's world, and most parents change rules and routines to accommodate new family circumstances, teachers may also be tempted to bend their well-defined expectations for behavior. On a day-to-day basis, however, many early childhood educators have told us that this may be misplaced kindness. They observe that altering the rules for these children actually increases their acting-out behavior. By keeping the school consistent in its expectations teachers increase the child's sense of security and serve as a resource for parents who may feel they are floundering.

--Making Kids Feel Competent
Teachers employ many strategies to help children feel needed and important. They allocate specific, achievable tasks and responsibilities--like watering the plants or washing the paintbrushes-with the intention of offering appropriate positive feedback. By focusing on competencies, rather than reminders about the need for improvement, teachers are olorortive of children who fall apart at the first sign of criticism as they struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Being given "permission" to be less than perfect--to color outside the lines, to spill paint, to ignore an instruction--helps children. Children remember feeling reassured by the teacher who showed humor rather than disapproval or smile fondly at the memory of the teacher who made it seem OK to have made a mistake by making fun of his/her own forgetfulness. In the children of divorce teachers also recognize that the desire to be good and gain approval is driven by the fear of being unacceptable, or by misplaced guilt about causing the family breakdown. Understanding this educators effectively model for parents ways to praise or criticize the behaviors rather than the child: "I like it when you..." rather than, "I like you when you..."

--Listening to the Child's Point of View
The teacher may be the only adult in a child's life who actively encourages a child to express how he sees a situation before leaping to conclusions about his anxieties and concerns. Teachers often find that asking questions is more productive than posing answers. "Why do you think Maria is making you angry today?" at least allows the child to think about all the feelings inside him even if he cannot yet make the connection to the angry ambiance at home or other events and demands in his life. By offering a safe haven, and simply noting the behavior in a non-judgmental manner, teachers reassure the child that at least one adult cares enough to notice.

--Being an Advocate for the Child
The teacher is all too frequently the only adult who is aware of what is going on and is willing to act as an advocate for the child. Aware a child is faced with recurrent loyalty choices, or is used as a messenger between hostile parents, the teacher can alert both parents to the unfairness of these pressures. Because teachers easily identify with the children in their care they may feel angry with one or other parent for causing so much turmoil. Yet time and again we see teachers put aside personal feelings to better focus the parents on the ways in which their child is responding to the changes in the family. Even if the parents cannot cooperate with each other, teachers ensure that the school and each parent work together in the child's best interest.

--Keeping both Parents Involved
Children do best following divorce when they maintain contact with both parents (Ahrons 1995, Furstenberg & Cherlin 1991, Kelly 1993, Wallerstein & Blakeslee 1989). In contrast to the lawyers, and sadly many family members, teachers spend considerable effort in trying to keep fathers and mothers involved in the child's school life. Teachers can clearly communicate the expectation that each parent should be actively involved in what takes place at school. It can be thankless work, but sending newsletters and notices to both parents, using individual conferences to offer feedback, and seeking insights from them separately about their child's progress is important. Years later it is quite apparent that duplicated drawings and stories, or photographed art projects, allowed the child's work to be shared at each home and maintained vital parent-child connections. Every child dreads losing contact with a parent. Teachers also facilitate the child's access to both parents by helping send letters, faxes or e-mail (Lewis & Sammons 1999).

Although educators may have no influence on helping parents see eye-to-eye about most issues, or influencing the outcome of their relationship, they have considerable influence on the effect the divorce has on the children in their care. Nobody intends to "divorce" their children when they divorce their spouse. Thankfully, most parents want to maintain a strong relationship and an essential place in their children's lives and will value your help. Supporting them and their children is an essential task for all with the best interests of children at heart-so it's no surprise that teachers have been doing it well.

REFERENCES:

Ahrons, C. 1995.The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Collins.

Furstenberg, F. F. & A. Cherlin. 1991. Divided Families: What Happens to Children When Parents Part. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Kelly, J. B. 1993. Current Research on Children's Post-Divorce Adjustment. Family and Conciliation Courts Review 31:45.

Lewis, J. & W. A. H. Sammons. 1999. Don't Divorce Your Children: Parents and Children Talk About Divorce. Chicago: Contemporary Books.

National Children's Survey of The National Center for Health Statistics. Washington D.C., GPO, 1994.

Wallerstein, J. S., & S. Blakeslee. 1989 Second Chances. New York, Ticknor and Fields.

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN:

Ages 3-5

Thomas, P. 1999. My Family's Changing. Happauge, NY, Baron's Education Series.

Rogers, F. 1996. Let's Talk About Divorce. New York, Putnam.

Spellman, C. 1998. Mama and Daddy Bear's Divorce. Morton Grove, IL, Albert Whitman.

Ages 7-12

Brown, L.K. & M. Brown. 1998. My Parents Are Divorced Too: A Book for Kids by Kids. New York, Magination.

Danziger, P. 1995. Amber Brown Goes Fourth. New York, Putnam.

Dawson-Boyd, C. 1993. Chevrolet Saturdays. New York, Simon and Schuster.

Adolescents

Swan-Jackson, A. 1998. When Your Parents Split Up...How To Keep Yourself Together. New York, Price Stern Sloan.