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This year, and every year since the 1970's, a million school age children in America will be expected to cope with a jolting change in their lives: the divorce of their parents. As pediatricians with a special interest in child development and family counseling we have worked with many families to help prevent divorce; but it is clear that, like it or not, divorce is here to stay and society bears the responsibility to support the huge numbers of children who are left struggling with the emotional and life-altering aftermath of the dissolution of their family.

The CDC predicts that by 2010 more than 60% of children will have spent a substantial portion of their childhood in a single parent family, primarily as the result of divorce. None of us should close our eyes to the needs of, what is rapidly becoming, the majority of children. They will be our leaders, our visionaries, our politicians, our workforce, and the parents of our grandchildren.

Unfortunately many of the traditional mental health resources which have been available to families in years past are becoming scarce and prohibitively expensive. In this era of managed care few pediatricians or family physicians have the time, or the necessary training, to help children and their parents through such an emotional crisis. Other professionals need to share the burden. Schools are often an untapped source of wisdom and support when it comes to the individual students in their care. Children spend more of their waking time at school than anywhere else. Schools can both guide and reinforce the efforts of parents to support their children.

We recognize that teachers and school personnel already have much to do, but their collaboration with parents could reduce the serious problems, like increased aggressive behavior, academic failure, drug experimentation, and other risk-taking behaviors which numerous studies have shown characterize the behavior of children following a divorce. Parents often seek help too late because they do not know who to turn to. Understandably they are reluctant to reveal a separation, or an imminent divorce, to their school, but by holding back they deprive their children of a wider peer and adult support network that, studies confirm, play a crucial part in helping children weather the turmoil. Since many divorced/divorcing parents are consumed with their own emotional, financial, and legal issues, their children depend on these other, more stable, relationships for nurture, and to sustain a personal sense of worth.

Schools could seize the opportunity to help children by making a few simple procedural changes. For instance, many parents have asked us "Whom do I tell at school?" The answer isn't always obvious. In certain schools it might be the principal, in others the guidance counselor or perhaps one of a select group of teachers. A receptive climate for parents can be created by nominating a single person who is clearly designated to advise parents about which people need to know of family problems that are affecting the children, (this applies not only in divorce, but also in cases of illness of a parent, or death of a grandparent).

School policies can be made "split-family" friendly. They need to include the automatic sending of copies of report cards, notices, etc. to each parent. Actions speak louder than words. This acknowledgment that, despite any residual tension and hostility, the school expects continued involvement of both parents in the lives of their kids, sends an important message. It says that the school cares, and serves the invaluable purpose of keeping both parents involved--perhaps the single most important key for the children's emotional health and personal development.

Moreover, school projects (art that can be edited on the Internet, family histories where parents can offer contributions from far away) can be designed so that both parents can participate. Copies of stories and artwork, or the school newspaper, can be sent regularly to the non-residential parent who, without the daily contact with his or her child, rapidly loses touch with the flow of the school experience. Providing access to e-mail (or a fax machine), now available in many schools, enables children to communicate with family members--especially important when one parent is making it difficult for their child to contact the other, creating destructive loyalty choices and allegiance demands. School can also serve as an emotionally neutral place for picking up and departing from children--avoiding the conflicts that frequently occur during parent-to-parent handovers. Finally, the training of older students who have accommodated to life after divorce to be peer mentors has multiple benefits: they can relate to the adjustments younger students are just beginning to make and they gain from using their experience to help others.

Just as the school environment must support the family efforts, parents must play their part in the collaboration. Given a reasonable accommodation of work schedules, parents are responsible for attending regular parent/teacher conferences (joint or individual) to prevent misunderstandings about school progress or the undermining of educational planning. Mixed messages from parents confuse children, so keeping everyone "on the same page" is essential. Frequently one parent has higher expectations than the other or "helps" their child with homework more than the other. Teachers can be instrumental in setting the appropriate expectations and making suggestions about the use of time at each home which will facilitate academic success.

During the separation, and even after the divorce, parents often aren't as physically or emotionally available as they might want to be. Providing social environments where peer support can take place is a function schools do well. Organizing informal lunch groups of children who are "all in the same boat" or encouraging these kids to participate in extracurricular team sports or special interest clubs, can decrease the risk of their getting overinvolved in a struggle to get their parents back together. After-school activities also serve to keep them away from gangs or drugs or other undesirable activities they may get caught up in if parental controls are not optimal. Even though these activities often decrease the time for parent and child to be together, parents need to be willing to encourage extracurricular activities which strengthen peer relationships and contact with other caring adults.

Ideally we would like to see every marriage remain affectionate and strong, to better nurture children and provide them a good model of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. When that can't occur, however, we know from listening to hundreds of parents, that, although they may wish to divorce their spouse, no parent wants to divorce their children. For the sake of the children, schools and parents must collaborate to maintain a strong bond between students and both fathers and mothers so that the children can realize the bright futures they all deserve.