THE ADJUSTMENT TO DIVORCE:
It is important to clarify for parents that children will adapt to the divorce over time, but the speed and mechanism of their adaptation may not mirror that of their parents. Most parents think that the "real" effects of the divorce commence when they tell the children that they've made the decision to separate. That is usually wishful thinking. The children have often been making adjustments to the unraveling of the marriage for months or years. Even in marriages ostensibly suddenly torn asunder by infidelity, the children have been coping for some time with the parental coldness and disharmony that leads to, or is the consequence of, an extra-marital affair. As they get older, though parents may think they, and their children have put the divorce behind them, children revisit old issues with each new stage of social, cognitive, and sexual development.
THE SCHEDULE OF TIME WITH EACH PARENT:
Negotiating and agreeing on an acceptable schedule of parent time with the children is one of the greatest burdens for parents when they separate. In all too many families, this arrangement, developed in the midst of considerable personal and economic chaos, becomes the permanent schedule. Unfortunately at the outset no one, parent, child, or professional advisor, can predict how life will evolve in the ensuing months. Based on our experience, we advise that counselors encourage parents to agree on a period of a year during which they can alter the patterns of visitation without being fearful they are setting a precedent for the "final" visitation schedule. Such an arrangement can be written in to the legal separation agreement.
MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH BOTH PARENTS:
Helping parents set a schedule for when and how they can contact their children, avoiding emotionally charged times like bedtime or dinner time, is important. Determine whether children can initiate the contact by asking them, right there from the office, to get hold of the parent who is not present. If they know how to do that then one can assume that there is adequate access and that the exact mechanisms of contact have been appropriately worked out.
TRANSITIONS AND HANDOVERS:
The fundamental problem for children is that divorce makes it risky to display, or admit to one parent, that they are thinking about, or missing, the other. As a result they are often anticipating the emotional turmoil of the handover back to the other parent instead of enjoying the last hours or minutes before the transfer actually happens. The clergy person or lay advisor can counsel parents to minimize the number of transitions per week from one household to the other and avoid parent-to-parent handovers by picking the children up a neutral location, e.g. school or day care. When possible, returning them to the same place after an overnight or weekend stay, prevents additional acting out by the child or parent. The counselor can also mention that setting a schedule for telephone calls to the parent the children are not with, and making use of other contact mechanisms such as e-mail, will ease everyone's adjustment.
HOW CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND THE DIVORCE AGREEMENT: In their attempt to come to terms with their parents' divorce many children ask what the divorce agreement actually says. They know that this piece of paper restricts their freedom, limits their financial resources, stifles flexibility, and causes friction between their parents. Yet parents will rarely discuss the details, although they intimate that each provision is cast in stone. Following all the turmoil during the separation, this hardly makes children optimistic or more trusting of their parents. More than one child has remarked that this may be a settlement, but it rarely ever sounds like an agreement. To be told that "Ari can't see this document, read it, or be privy to it's contents--when it's quite plain even to a five-year-old that this will be the "Bible of life"--generates a broad range of reactions. Rarely are any positive. Withdrawal, anger, confusion, hostility are typical and expectable.
The best way to answer children's questions about the future is for parents to read the document with them. That's easiest if the divorce agreement is written in plain English, so it is comprehensible without an interpreter. Some people opt for a short version which explains the allotment of time with each parent, holidays/vacations, financial arrangements, and provisions for future considerations like college.
MONEY ISSUES AND PLANNING FOR FUTURE RESPONSIBILITIES: A member of the religious community can help reduce future conflicts by encouraging parents not to reach an initial settlement until they have examined the real costs of what they spent on their children in the previous few years, and not until they have thought through the expenditures which need to be anticipated. Parents overwhelmed with their own issues may need prompting to remember that the arguments about support checks and long term responsibilities are not about winning and losing and retribution but about their children's future. Addressing the future allows the counselor to bring many issues to the parents' attention. Parents should be advised to ensure that a rise in income of either benefit everyone in order to minimize hostility. This may sound over egalitarian to some, and offensive to those who honestly feel they're paying sufficient support, or that the other parent will squander funds on him/herself rather than use them responsibly for the children.
DATING AND SEXUALITY IN SINGLE-PARENT LIVES:
Studies have shown that casual sexual relationships are frequently part of the divorce recovery process for both parents. Many men and women, whether the person leaving the marriage, or the one being left, feel an overwhelming need to engage in a series of sexual conquests to off-set the distressing sense of failure, humiliation, and personal rejection which is universal when a marriage dissolves. Parents and therapists often defend these casual liaisons as part of the adult recovery process, but what is OK for the childless thirty-year-old is not appropriate for the parent of an impressionable adolescent/child. No matter how necessary such relationships may be, they should not be part of the children's experience. Advisors can remind parents to confine social/sexual explorations to the nights and weekends when they are not responsible for the care of the children. It may also be worth mentioning that if, as a result of the divorce, a parent is suddenly more socially active, sexually liberated, or produces a new persona with a change of wardrobe, new hair cut, etc., then their children will implicitly feel they have the right to make similar decisions.
In their efforts to stay close to a parent, younger children may engage in very inappropriate behavior, e.g. the nine-year-old daughter may become seductive with males of all ages, or the five-year-old son may want to be in control of everything and everyone. Parents, unfortunately, often see this not as mimicry but as flattery or a sign of maturity. The counselor should explain what is really going on.
When children act out socially or sexually because of the divorce, they often blame one or both parents as a justification for their actions. Contrition, or self-defense, on the parents' part will rarely make any headway in changing the behavior, but focusing on the child's self-interest may initiate a dialogue. If the behaviors are self-destructive, and talking with the child doesn't produce an immediate and dramatic change in behavior, outside advice should be sought.
REFUSAL TO SPEND TIME WITH A PARENT
Refusals happen for a variety of reasons other than a dislike, or fear of, the non-residential parent. At times they occur because the child may feel it's a way to get the parent who is rebuffed to come back "home" to live, or to pay more support. Older children may be trying to establish some independence, especially if they had no say in making the schedule and it has been rigidly enforced. While not only wanting to have more freedom, adolescents find ways to spend less and less time at home regardless of whether their parents are married or divorced. Hence, as they get older, even a schedule which worked before simply doesn't fit into the logistics of their lives or their peer relationships.
Given all the possible reasons, there is no one "right response" to a refusal to spend time with a parent. If it is clear that resistance to visitation is increasing, arranging the handovers in a neutral location, without a parent-to-parent hand-off, minimizes the temptation for the child to act out and the parent to give in. If the child acts out at the neutral location, it forces the parent with whom they need to talk to address the issue and does not leave the other parent as mediator. If refusal to see a parent continues beyond a few dates, then both parents should look carefully at their own behavior and whether they are giving out subtle or overt signals that visiting the absent parent is "not important" or will be hurtful to the one left.
HOME RESPONSIBILITIES:
Many children voluntarily assume, or are asked to assume, various household responsibilities, especially when the residential parent has to work full-time. There is a difference, however, between playing a role which is helpful and one where the family is over-dependent on the child. Adolescents should not be made to feel responsible for caring for their parents, even though they may be willing to do so out of feelings of concern or guilt. Parents often offer praise to a child when this has happened by saying "I don't know how I'd make it without ...." Another important indicator that the child is being placed in an inappropriate parent role is that s/he becomes the primary disciplinarian and caretaker of the younger siblings, which may be counter productive in that it further enables the parent to spend less time at home. |
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