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All children probably have feelings that they caused the divorce. This not only leads them to feel guilty but also motivates them to try to fix everything. The standard advice is to repeatedly reassure children that they are not at fault and then end the discussion. We have found that this approach actually increases their feelings of anxiety. When their parents won't talk about something, children know they are not getting the whole story and likely are not being told the truth. From our experience with hundreds of children we advise the following.

SPECIFIC POINTS

(1) Children need the opportunity to talk about why they feel at fault and how they think they caused the divorce.

COMMENT: Open dialogue is very important. Even troubling conversations are unlikely to create or exacerbate a problem since the guilt is already there. Parents should help their children understand that adults are responsible for their own actions and decisions.

(2) Encourage each child to be very specific about what "I (the child) did" to cause the divorce and what "I (the child) might do" to fix it or stop it from happening.

COMMENT: Hearing your child describe her interpretations (or misinterpretations) in her own words, and acknowledging her point of view, makes it possible to respond sensibly and sensitively, rather than just offering blanket reassurance.

(3) If your child repeatedly attempts to bring both parents back together, consider whether he is feeling guilty about causing the divorce in the first place.

COMMENT: The child who feels at fault will also feel responsible for righting the wrong. Just as they need to hear they didn't cause the divorce, children need a clear statement from each parent that they can't prevent it or reverse it.

(4) Don't shut down a conversation if children ask for more details.

COMMENT: Telling children "it's too complex to explain" or "you would never understand the reasons for the divorce" may be transiently reassuring, but leaves them wondering whether they have the power to change their parents' plans and whether the situation was worse than they could imagine.

(5) Help children develop an alternative explanation for what happened in the relationship between their parents that doesn't make them the cause.

COMMENT: Children feel better when they can develop an explanation that makes sense to them that doesn't put them in the middle. Parents need to acknowledge the reasons for the child's concerns, ... "Yes we argue about you..." before they launch in to the reassurance "...but you didn't cause the breakup."